My Current Sir

I do apologize for jumping ahead a bit, but I needed to talk about my current owner. While he has yet to formally collar me, I feel that He owns me. Surely most subs feel the same way when they are undergoing a new relationship. See about four months ago I started talking to my current Sir. After talking for a few weeks I approached Him with a problem, an old Dom that I was working with had abandoned me. It was not expected, in fact it crushed me because we had really been getting along. He was training me and molding me to become his. And I had already found myself looking at him as if he was going to be a long term Dom. When he cut me off, abandoning me to the other men who took it on themselves to use me because of the void I was feeling, well I fell hard. After sorting out the after mass I started talking to two Doms, one from the UK and one from San Francisco. Both were very similar in styles and suited my kinks very well. However, San Francisco was much closer than the UK. After much thought I decided to go ahead and try to make it work with the San Francisco Dom. After all he helped me to stop the Dom from above from trying to rekindle a relationship that was clearly toxic. At that point he told me that He was training me. I smiled so broadly because, I realized that I really wanted to be trained by him!

Sir surprised me in many ways. At first it was the simple gestures as a woman that I appreciated. He listened to my wishes. What I can, can’t, and will not do in certain places. How the need to be discreet -- since my current profession was somewhat in the public eye -- was important. Yes, many may think well this is of course how a Dom should act. However, during my period of self-loss, there were a few that had used me more publicly than I wished. I know I should have been more careful but I just wanted to obey my Sir’s wishes at that time. Growing a bit I’ve realized that no matter how much I want to obey, I cannot be detrimental to myself mentally or at the cost of my job security. I told this to my Sir and he agreed with me. Since then we have grown closer. It’s an odd thing to know so surely that you want to serve someone.

So beyond the glowing recommendation that I’ve obviously just given I must continue. You see, the last couple of days (almost a week) we’ve been missing each other. Both of us have had very busy days because of jobs and such. Full schedules are either the death or a strengthening test of any relationship. However, the last time we spoke -- once we were done and ready to go to bed -- He told me to sleep that night, on the floor next to my bed as if He were there. Of course He told me to have a comforter and pillows but still, the fact was that He was asking me to sleep on the floor, next to my expensive very comfortable bed. I didn’t think twice about it. It made me realize that I really do like, dare I say love His training.

For the last three days I’ve slept on the floor wishing I could have spoken to him at some point through the day. And somehow I think once I talk to him; on the days we are not able to talk He will have me sleeping next to him, on the floor.

Regards,
niccy

Drink Me: Actualization of a Submissive

It wasn’t until my first real D/s experience did I realize what this world could unleash for me. Yes, I understand that it sounds completely self-centered, however, we all only journey down a path if we think it will somehow be beneficial to us. Though at first I didn’t know it was a D/s experience. You see I had been chatting for some time online with a married man. As a budding writer I found chatting with men helped me to practice my writing as well as have a bit of fun. On a good day I could make whomever I was chatting with cum, just by my text. Words ring in my ear; words someone had told me in college, ‘you would make a very good dominatrix.’ I remember him telling me that, I paused and considered it. How much fun I could have if I were a dominatrix. So naturally when I first started down this journey my online presence drew, well it drew many men who were submissive.

The man that had become my constant contact on Yahoo – my play buddy – had a trip coming up. He was going to be in LA which meant that after many heated chats we decided to meet. It was then – when he tied my hands down and fucked my tits – did I realize that this loss of control made my body crave him even more. All of the sudden I wanted him to cum on my face. I wanted him to use me. And really I had no idea why other than those thoughts were making my pussy drench with anticipation. That day/night, I orgasmed more than I had ever before; only there was nothing that touched my vagina’s lips. He worked me with the expertise of a neurosurgeon. That was the point when I truly knew that I needed to submit to a Master.

Of course growing up I realize I was drawn to strong men, as previously mentioned in an earlier post. But I didn’t realize the men that I honestly care for in my life. The ones that I have kept in contact for so many years now, are all Doms of some sort. Looking back now, I understand that I have slowly but surely taken steps that have brought me to this point. However, that experience of submitting to someone, being helpless and used, it made me more liberated than I had ever felt while dominating the other areas in my life. For this, I can see myself being forced to loose control, to thank someone for making me cum.

Finally I understood that I was ready to enter into this world filled with giants; where I felt so small. I drank the bottle and shrunk down to enter into that narrow door. Only now I found myself in a seemingly beautiful world, which had a strong underlying possibility of personal failure. A world of varying flowers and plants that were both toxic and truly beautiful. Yet amongst these choices, there were those whom I gravitated. They helped me decipher what and whom I could trust. Still, to this day I am grateful to those who helped me out of toxic D/s relationships and help to heal wounds that I thought would never heal.

Regards,
niccy

This sub's Psyche

There are many people telling me this path is degrading to women, that it sells women short of their full potential. I’ve heard that it will hold me back as a person. However, I'm finding so far it is pushing me to know my limits and to push through those limits. To trust someone completely with even the most sensitive of matters. Is it a relationship? Is it just sex? Anyone in the community will tell you that it is much more.

It’s interesting -- to some people, all they see is the kink. They don’t understand the underlying psychology behind it. Or that there is a certain spirituality to it as well. All they see is the practice of bondage, the acts of dominance over one's lover, mate, man or woman. While yes, these are things that are apart of the appeal, and usually the first things that draw people into the world of D/s or M/s the people who end up in the community, who seek out a sub, a Dom, Master or slave, these people are intelligent, successful, and confident in every aspect of their life. Most successful men and women are born leaders, born dominant. There is no denying their swagger, the pull they have over people around them. And then there are those that are strong because they have to be, they have to live in a harsh reality; you need to fend for yourself. These ones while they do well -- usually -- are the ones that appreciate it more when they give themselves into servitude. When given the option, they will enter a D/s relationship whether they know it or not. Some women get married; some men join the army, in whatever the case they will find an outlet that allows them to ‘let their hair down’ to let their mind be released from the worries of the day.

In my case, I have searched for strong men all my life. Though, the men that I tended to find were not dominant in the way the D/s M/s community respects or even acknowledges. I found myself walking down a dangerous path looking for someone who could handle me, this fierce woman who ate most men for breakfast. Though, I was looking for the wrong type of handling. I thought someone who was harsh, that was verbally abusive was what I needed. Down that road I traveled, but I found that love was rarely in the equation. That as much as the sex was exciting, wonderful, and on occasion awesome, I could not see myself in a committed relationship. I could not be faithful, obedient to them because I did not respect them. And while yes, I understand that those reading this might think that it’s a bit hokey, but my thought process is needed for you to understand why I’ve chosen this submissive path.

I stumbled into the kink first. Looking into ways of controlling myself. If someone could control my body, it’s possible that they could control me.

The Internet is a menagerie of depravity and at first many things did not sit well with me. I couldn’t understand why women would allow themselves to be tied and forced to cum over and over again. Or even forced to sit on the edge of orgasm, while thanking their tormentors. Surely this is only meant to be viewed by men. And then it hit me -- an epiphany -- these ‘tormentors’ are in complete control. They are not yelling, they are not abusive; they are staying within the agreed limits. Yet they have complete control over their women and men.

I blinked, was I reading too much into this? Was my psyche over analyzing the simple act of Domination? I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why they would allow this to be done to them. I had to go down deeper into the rabbit hole.

Regards,
niccy

In the Begining There Was a Hole

I’ve started this blog as a way to let out some of my thoughts about my relationships. You see I am a sub. And while you will find that grammatically I do not adhere to the ‘i’ rule, I am a sub. The only reason why I do not adhere to that rule is not because I think that I’m greater than my Sir, or that I deserve to be capitalized. It is simply because I’m a writer by profession because of this I cannot let my everyday writing -- which I am paid for -- be influenced by my sub life. The two are hard enough to distinguish at times but some grammar rules are looked down on when I slip into them during my manuscript writing. My sub life is Sir’s, and I understand that completely. Thankfully he understands that as well.

I guess I should start by saying that I’m venturing down that rabbit hole that runs deeply through the roots of life. While I never thought that this would be the path I was to take in life, it is the path I’ve chosen. Some people claim that you do not choose to be a sub you either are or are not which in my case is only a half truth. You see, I am a very strong, very independent woman who over the course of her life has realized that there is a balance that we all must have. The more successful you are, the more you must release that power in order to relax. While I do not claim to be successful in anything other than the fact that I am relatively young, live on my own, and have a well paying job that allows me to live comfortably, not extravagantly – but comfortably. I have found that with the stressors of everyday, I find it more peaceful to come home and serve. To know that my Sir has my well being in mind and wants me to be successful in all areas of my life, this gives me true happiness.

Yes, some people might look at me and my Sir thinking, that we are perfectly normal, which we are. We enjoy each other, we are outgoing and easily liked by everyone, some would even think that we have a perfect relationship. What they don’t realize is the fact that I know, and understand my place. I know that He is greater than I and superior in all aspects even when admitting He doesn’t know the answer to a question. Knowing this may seem backwards in a society overwritten by equality, however this works. And knowing that I am giving up my equality for my Sir makes Him even more special to me.

I’ve had lovers, boyfriends, and fiancés but nothing compares to the love I want to give to my Sir. The obedience to Him I crave or the acts I wish to do for Him. To make Him happy is really my only goal. My own personal success is a credit to His guidance and for this; I wish only to make His heart rejoice. So please -- if you will -- follow me down the rabbit hole and see the decent into a life of chosen servitude.

Regards,
niccy