Today is the first time I’ve ever cried. That is, it’s the first time my heart has been broken. Sure I’ve had relationships which I’ve cared for the other quite deeply. However, my heart shattered—rock through a window—with an email.
I’m not going to give you all the back story. Just know that we are locked in a perpetual state of almost. I thought that we moved into finally but his work intervened and took us back to almost. There was a week of communication darkness. I had to fill in the blanks with justifications. He’s busy, working hard. New York time is different than California time. Not just in time zones but New York has its own center of gravity which makes the universe move quicker when inside. All you can do to survive is to hold on.
I watched as my heart it started the spaghettification process. Pieces pulled painfully as one week turned to two. An email confirming my justifications, yet promises in the not so far future. He’ll be in town for the weekend. I offer up myself. I don’t mind forgoing my trip to San Francisco if I can spend it with him. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for the stars to align letting us develop from mentor and friend into committed relationship.
He wants me to go to San Francisco. “A well needed rest for you,” he says. A hairline fracture splintered in my heart. I do as he suggests, I always do.
It’s Monday and back to New York he goes. Transmissions garbled. Communication lost. All systems dark and another week slipped by. I know he reads my emails but I’ve never wanted to be ‘that’ girl. That girl, which emails every day, sometimes twice a day to show affection. It reads desperate, even if that’s how I feel, I don’t. He doesn’t need my ego stroking. However, I do email conveying my support of what he’s doing. In the long run it will be good for me too. I show that I’m functioning well without him, as I know it would make him proud. Another week of darkness passes. I’m dangling precariously on a mental chasm trying to figure out what to do. His name pops into my phone, a new email. He’s in London.
He explains away his absence, which is perfectly understandable. However, the third sentence confirms my fear. “I think I need to focus on this now, if I spend the next few months…I have really set everything in motion for what I have always wanted.” Tears well up, “I am sorry this was not what I had planned for us, I had great plans.” So did I. “Things shifted a bit, I cannot ask you to wait.”
The letter goes on; it is a magnificent ‘I love you but…’ letter. Tears, which I do not show to anyone, flow freely. I didn’t think words could hurt that much.
I tell him I’ve been seeing someone. A half truth, I don’t think there is a man in the work that can make me feel as good as he did. But I wanted my words to hurt too. Words, at this point, are all I have. But he sees through the thinly veiled attempt. He knows it’s not true. And I confess that no matter who I am with, I will always want him.
Showing posts with label why. Show all posts
Showing posts with label why. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, November 30, 2009
Respect: For Dom/sub relations it's a 2 way street
I think I need to preference this with the fact that even though I am a sub, I am picky – very picky. Now it’s not just Doms, I am picky with whom I allow in my life and whom I think is worthy of my company. This may seem I don’t know self-righteous for a submissive, however before I found out that this lifestyle was my calling, I was a little careless with my choices. And thus become pickier.
Contention point one; I do not read messages that start with, 'ur so h0t!' While yes the person behind this particular faux pas may be an intelligent human, brilliant even – but that does not excuse simple grammar etiquette. I don’t know of any woman who swoons at reprehensible word choices whether spoken or written.
Contention point two; if you as a Dom expect me to respect you, why would I -- a submissive, who has no idea who you are or what you are like -- expect to be treated with anything less than a mutual respect? You have to prove that you are my superior. It is not something that is just given to you. With that, it must also be noted – if you ask me, ‘have you read my profile,’ you better reply that you enjoyed reading mine.
Now, with that water under the bridge, I find myself amused by a conversation started on Fetlife with me. I won’t mention the name, because let’s face it, we all would Google it. But it started out ever so friendly, he wanted to network. Hey, I’m all about networking; I have a strong social network of Doms/subs, of work colleagues and friends. Not all of them know of my submissive side, nor would they ever expect it so likewise I am on guard with those who wish to enter my network. His reply -- as you may have guessed -- was to the tune of, 'have you read my profile.'
I had.
Oh his profile was a very long drawn out 1,600 word explanation of his perfect submissive/slave. I hit some of the marks, but only a handful. Which is why when he asked if I wanted to network, stupid me – I thought it was for something more than what he had written. After all the end of his 'essay' stated;
And so I replied in as well thought out response as I could:
Now I do understand that you are really only getting half of the conversation, and if you are a member of fetlife I’ll gladly give you a link to the awesome that is his profile. And as a sidenote, he still has not responded. So I’m sorry to say that my response was clearly not as creative as he deemed worthy.
Contention point one; I do not read messages that start with, 'ur so h0t!' While yes the person behind this particular faux pas may be an intelligent human, brilliant even – but that does not excuse simple grammar etiquette. I don’t know of any woman who swoons at reprehensible word choices whether spoken or written.
Contention point two; if you as a Dom expect me to respect you, why would I -- a submissive, who has no idea who you are or what you are like -- expect to be treated with anything less than a mutual respect? You have to prove that you are my superior. It is not something that is just given to you. With that, it must also be noted – if you ask me, ‘have you read my profile,’ you better reply that you enjoyed reading mine.
Now, with that water under the bridge, I find myself amused by a conversation started on Fetlife with me. I won’t mention the name, because let’s face it, we all would Google it. But it started out ever so friendly, he wanted to network. Hey, I’m all about networking; I have a strong social network of Doms/subs, of work colleagues and friends. Not all of them know of my submissive side, nor would they ever expect it so likewise I am on guard with those who wish to enter my network. His reply -- as you may have guessed -- was to the tune of, 'have you read my profile.'
I had.
Oh his profile was a very long drawn out 1,600 word explanation of his perfect submissive/slave. I hit some of the marks, but only a handful. Which is why when he asked if I wanted to network, stupid me – I thought it was for something more than what he had written. After all the end of his 'essay' stated;
"If you reply to this ad and fail to get a response, it’s most likely because you didn’t send a well thought out response, as well as a picture (i.e. or, the promise of a picture later, and, in the meantime, a vivid description of yourself). Your first reply is vital to whether you will get a response as I only consider positive energy."
And so I replied in as well thought out response as I could:
I did however; it looks like you are looking for a sub. And while yes, I am a sub -- I have a Sir as noted on my profile.
I am not a manic, pixie dream girl you describe. I have curves, beautiful lovely curves, which includes my pert wonderful 38DD's. And interestingly enough, this morning at 3AM I woke to my Sir, asking me to cum for him over the phone. He was out of town for Thanksgiving which I -- of course -- gladly did.
Then too there are your descriptions of her oral fixations. Holding her there only several minutes after cumming? I gladly offer my mouth for Sir's pleasure whether that is for a quick fuck or a night’s sleep with him planted firmly in it.
As for my Sir, I do have that animalistic desire for him. Even though my in the community I have a high profile if he asked it, I would get on my knees and suck him until he was pleased. No matter what the situation -- I am here to please him.
Sir enjoys my career, enjoys my independence and the subsequent relinquishment of my power to him. I'm very glad that he pushes me in the directions that he thinks is best for me.
My actions in public can only be described as sophisticated. I am 5'8" and Sir is 6'3" so per his wishes I tend to always be in 4" high heels. I am poised, confident and always conscious of my Sir's needs when with him. The community thinks of me as the local Lifestyle Guru, so yes I am well spoken and respected.
With that said, I ask if you've read my profile. If you understand that I am a writer by profession. I am an established writer -- as in that is my career. I am in a D/s relationship, and I'm devoted to my Sir. So, I ask once more -- what are you looking to network for?
Now I do understand that you are really only getting half of the conversation, and if you are a member of fetlife I’ll gladly give you a link to the awesome that is his profile. And as a sidenote, he still has not responded. So I’m sorry to say that my response was clearly not as creative as he deemed worthy.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This sub's Psyche
There are many people telling me this path is degrading to women, that it sells women short of their full potential. I’ve heard that it will hold me back as a person. However, I'm finding so far it is pushing me to know my limits and to push through those limits. To trust someone completely with even the most sensitive of matters. Is it a relationship? Is it just sex? Anyone in the community will tell you that it is much more.
It’s interesting -- to some people, all they see is the kink. They don’t understand the underlying psychology behind it. Or that there is a certain spirituality to it as well. All they see is the practice of bondage, the acts of dominance over one's lover, mate, man or woman. While yes, these are things that are apart of the appeal, and usually the first things that draw people into the world of D/s or M/s the people who end up in the community, who seek out a sub, a Dom, Master or slave, these people are intelligent, successful, and confident in every aspect of their life. Most successful men and women are born leaders, born dominant. There is no denying their swagger, the pull they have over people around them. And then there are those that are strong because they have to be, they have to live in a harsh reality; you need to fend for yourself. These ones while they do well -- usually -- are the ones that appreciate it more when they give themselves into servitude. When given the option, they will enter a D/s relationship whether they know it or not. Some women get married; some men join the army, in whatever the case they will find an outlet that allows them to ‘let their hair down’ to let their mind be released from the worries of the day.
In my case, I have searched for strong men all my life. Though, the men that I tended to find were not dominant in the way the D/s M/s community respects or even acknowledges. I found myself walking down a dangerous path looking for someone who could handle me, this fierce woman who ate most men for breakfast. Though, I was looking for the wrong type of handling. I thought someone who was harsh, that was verbally abusive was what I needed. Down that road I traveled, but I found that love was rarely in the equation. That as much as the sex was exciting, wonderful, and on occasion awesome, I could not see myself in a committed relationship. I could not be faithful, obedient to them because I did not respect them. And while yes, I understand that those reading this might think that it’s a bit hokey, but my thought process is needed for you to understand why I’ve chosen this submissive path.
I stumbled into the kink first. Looking into ways of controlling myself. If someone could control my body, it’s possible that they could control me.
The Internet is a menagerie of depravity and at first many things did not sit well with me. I couldn’t understand why women would allow themselves to be tied and forced to cum over and over again. Or even forced to sit on the edge of orgasm, while thanking their tormentors. Surely this is only meant to be viewed by men. And then it hit me -- an epiphany -- these ‘tormentors’ are in complete control. They are not yelling, they are not abusive; they are staying within the agreed limits. Yet they have complete control over their women and men.
I blinked, was I reading too much into this? Was my psyche over analyzing the simple act of Domination? I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why they would allow this to be done to them. I had to go down deeper into the rabbit hole.
Regards,
niccy
It’s interesting -- to some people, all they see is the kink. They don’t understand the underlying psychology behind it. Or that there is a certain spirituality to it as well. All they see is the practice of bondage, the acts of dominance over one's lover, mate, man or woman. While yes, these are things that are apart of the appeal, and usually the first things that draw people into the world of D/s or M/s the people who end up in the community, who seek out a sub, a Dom, Master or slave, these people are intelligent, successful, and confident in every aspect of their life. Most successful men and women are born leaders, born dominant. There is no denying their swagger, the pull they have over people around them. And then there are those that are strong because they have to be, they have to live in a harsh reality; you need to fend for yourself. These ones while they do well -- usually -- are the ones that appreciate it more when they give themselves into servitude. When given the option, they will enter a D/s relationship whether they know it or not. Some women get married; some men join the army, in whatever the case they will find an outlet that allows them to ‘let their hair down’ to let their mind be released from the worries of the day.
In my case, I have searched for strong men all my life. Though, the men that I tended to find were not dominant in the way the D/s M/s community respects or even acknowledges. I found myself walking down a dangerous path looking for someone who could handle me, this fierce woman who ate most men for breakfast. Though, I was looking for the wrong type of handling. I thought someone who was harsh, that was verbally abusive was what I needed. Down that road I traveled, but I found that love was rarely in the equation. That as much as the sex was exciting, wonderful, and on occasion awesome, I could not see myself in a committed relationship. I could not be faithful, obedient to them because I did not respect them. And while yes, I understand that those reading this might think that it’s a bit hokey, but my thought process is needed for you to understand why I’ve chosen this submissive path.
I stumbled into the kink first. Looking into ways of controlling myself. If someone could control my body, it’s possible that they could control me.
The Internet is a menagerie of depravity and at first many things did not sit well with me. I couldn’t understand why women would allow themselves to be tied and forced to cum over and over again. Or even forced to sit on the edge of orgasm, while thanking their tormentors. Surely this is only meant to be viewed by men. And then it hit me -- an epiphany -- these ‘tormentors’ are in complete control. They are not yelling, they are not abusive; they are staying within the agreed limits. Yet they have complete control over their women and men.
I blinked, was I reading too much into this? Was my psyche over analyzing the simple act of Domination? I wanted to know more. I wanted to understand why they would allow this to be done to them. I had to go down deeper into the rabbit hole.
Regards,
niccy
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